The Bridezilla - nature or nuture? Discuss.

Today I took my bridesmaid dresses back to the shop and got a refund.

I'm pretty sure that's not the way it's supposed to work.  This week I learned that no matter how hard you try, you will always turn into a bridezilla.  But I don't believe that all bridezillas are naturally born.  I'm quite sure that your environment moulds you into one, quite unwittingly.  The circumstances and difficult positions you are put in all conspire to turn you from a reasonable human being into a forthright, no-nonsense and, sometimes, hysterical bride.

The bridesmaid with 'dress issues' came to London and showed me how bad the dress looked.  Except she didn't, because it didn't.  The dress actually looked better on her than both of the other girls and fitted in all the right places.  She looked fabulous but she couldn't see it.  The shop assistant exclaimed how lovely she looked but soon realised that she was better off staying out of the conversation.

The main issue here is that the dress is so far removed from anything she would usually  choose.  It's a style she's not comfortable with.  I don't want any of my bridesmaids to feel uncomfortable in what they're wearing and welcome feedback and ideas but I don't think I could ever have imagined the hatred said garment could cause.  What surprised me most was the complete lack of thought into how I might feel upon hearing such comments.

I wanted to have something slightly different - not peach flowery 1970's different or goth-rock different, just something a little bit quirky.  I have bought myself a dress that is 3/4 length so naturally I don't want my girlfriends in long flowing gowns to the floor - it simply won't fit the look.  My initial thought when thinking about bridesmaid dresses was 'high street' - Coast and Monsoon are always a good bet - however when I found a fantastic 1950's shop in Holloway and saw the gorgeous frocks I knew what I wanted.  A month after deciding this Boyf and I pretty much planned the wedding around that colour and style theme - and why shouldn't we?  It's our wedding and time is ticking on so we really do need to make some decisions.

To receive a text from a bridesmaid telling you the dress is awful is one thing, but to see it's not awful and then have to listen to her slating the material, style, quality, cut, colour ...blah blah blah.  To hear how it's become a laughing stock in her house with her husband having a good laugh in passing the picture around at work and how her mum doesn't really think it's quite right... well it's not very nice as I'm sure you can agree.   As much as she thinks it was a snap decision and I chose the dresses to make life easier, the simple truth is that I love them.  

Actually I need to rephrase that.  I loved  them.  I don't any more.  I hate them because now they symbolise a very unhappy girlfriend and one that has made me more upset that she realises.  

She kept asking me, in an incredulous tone of voice, if I really liked it and saying that she would wear it if that is what I really want.  But to hear that, after her suggesting that she really didn't want to and that she would rather just support me on the day and not be a bridesmaid, does make it difficult to swallow.  The top moment  (or all-time low depending on how you look at it) is probably  a tie between 'tablecloth' comments and the 'oh god please don't make me wear that' in a voice best described as that of a petulant 10 year old.

Choking back the tears and trying to remain calm I asked her what she wanted me to say?

Don't misunderstand me, this whole conversation was upsetting her too although, with hindsight, I'm not sure if it was more frustration that it looked as if she wasn't getting her way rather than how she thought she looked like some freak show and that everyone would be taking the rise out of her on the day because of the dress.  Maybe I'm just a little jaded, I don't know.  It's tricky seeing as everyone else who has seen photos of the dresses thinks they are utterly fantastic.

The dress was thrust back into the bag and we left the shop barely speaking.  A tricky cab-ride into town was fairly monosyllabic and that didn't change until we were halfway through a bottle of rosé at which point I couldn't ignore the elephant in the room any longer.

She told me that she had to tell me how she felt - she'd even asked one of our friends for advice about it as she knew it would upset me and that she didn't know what to do.  Incidentally, that friedn told her to say nothing and suck it up.... 

At the moment, I just wanted to try to hold on to a shred of the friendship that looked certain to be in tatters at any point so was very non-confrontational about it.  So, no, I didn't tell her that every time she made another comment about her husband's jokes and her mother's tablecloth it just twisted the knife further.

I knew that we couldn't use the dresses at the point a mutual friend arrived and, at once, it was clear that as soon as I left the bar, she would be telling him exactly what had happened and how much she hated the dress and what god-awful taste I had.

Hence my earlier comment.  I hate the dresses now.  She has ruined them.  I can't see them in any other way than naff, ridiculous and cheap.  Do you want to see them?  here you go.... a 1950's halterneck

Maybe she is right but that's not how I feel right now.  I felt an idiot in the shop when the assistant asked me if there was anything wrong with the dresses,  I felt even more of an idiot when I left the shop in tears.

My mother is furious and the other 2 bridesmaids can't quite believe it, but what choice do I really have?  I can't go on with them knowing that she feels so strongly about them and also that I was likely to be spending the whole of my wedding day waiting for the jokes to start.  I'll say that part again....  MY WEDDING DAY.  The day that I am supposed to pretty much have my own way on almost everything.  The day when your girlfriends will happily turn up in a bin bag tied up with string if that's what you asked them to do.

I've been a bridesmaid 5 times now:

1 - aged 18 for a cousin.  I have no recollection of seeing the dress before the wedding.

2 - aged 25 for a friend.  Our measurements were taken over the phone and I saw the dress for the first time at the first fitting.

3 - aged 27 for The Bridesmaid.  Yes you read that correctly.  Again, measurements over the phone and saw it for the first time at the fitting.

4 - aged 30 for my now sister-in-law (and another of my 3 bridesmaids).  We all went to see the dress she had chosen and then went to see what size we needed.

5 - aged 36 for the last remaining bridesmaid.  I was the only grown-up bridesmaid so she and I trawled the high street for something suitable.  It was a joint decision.

So, 4 out of 5 times I had no say in the choice of my dress and that's the way it generally works.  And that is the way it will work from now on.   I have now compromised the whole look of my wedding for one person, so from now on all choices have been taken away.  Whatever I choose will have to be good enough.  If it is not, she has the option not to wear it and with that the understanding that she will not be a bridesmaid.

I'm drawing a line under it all.  I don't want anyone to mention the 'old' dresses again.   As far as everyone needs to be concerned, they didn't exist and still don't.  When I eventually put The Bridesmaid out of her misery and tell her the dresses have gone back I will make that perfectly clear.  The first time she brings it up in any way she will find out exactly how I feel rather than the polite face I put on earlier this week.

In conclusion, I'm certain that whilst some bridezillas are just born that way, most are created.  And it's not a nice feeling.

Bridesmaid problems mark II

For the observant among you, you will have noticed that we haven't had a 'mark I' yet. I haven't had time to blog that yet - it's a corker. I guarantee you laughter, tears, shock and possibly a 'what the fuuuuu......?'

Anyhoo, mark II. To fill you in, I have 3 bridesmaids. We're all ladies of a certain age so I already decided that fancy bridesmaidy dresses were not the order of the day. I can't bear the shiny full length ones that look fabulous if you're 5 or 20 but not brill if you're 30 or 40! So, I thought I'd go for something different. Check these out...I love them!

I should also have mentioned that my bridesmaids come in various sizes.... all around the 5ft3 mark but one is an androgynous size 8, another is a curvy 12 with ample assets and the other is a voluptuous 16/18 with extremely ample assets. This was never going to be easy, but I like a challenge. The other spanner in the works is that the more generously-sized lass lives at the other end of the country to the rest of us so getting together to dress shop is a mission.

2 weeks ago two bridesmaids, a bride and mother-of-the-bride schlepped up to the Holloway Road to try on the dresses. They looked great but will need some tweaking by a good seamstress. My lovely mother tried on the dress for the absent bridesmaid to get the sizing vaguely right and in doing so is seriously considering getting a store card there. She wanted to try on everything!

With everyone happy, I bought 3 frocks and then went off to post one up oop north for a trying on session up there. 2 days went by and silence prevailed. At last I receive a message and whilst it was very apologetic and sheepish, the sub-text was clear. 'I HATE IT!!. Of course, that's not what she said....'the fit is really bad', 'the style really doesn't suit me', 'my arse looks enormous' etc etc.

So here is the problem. I have 3 beautiful dresses, one of which I'm sure isn't as bad as she thinks and due to Bridesmaid problems mark I, my patience is extremely thin on pandering to other people. This is slightly unfair on 'problems mark II' as she was very supportive during 'problems mark I' but there have been lots of other unrelated problems all of which have caused me to compromise what I want for my wedding because others have issues with it.... you can't win can you ?

I've been to too many weddings where bridesmaids have sported ill-fitting dresses. It's not a good look, however I adore the frocks I've chosen and I've had a total nightmare finding ones that fit with the theme of the wedding. The style of my dress definitely shapes what the bridesmaids can have and the colours also restrict certain styles (told you I like a challenge!).

AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH!

She's in London tomorrow, so we can go try on the frocks at the shop. My strategy is to get her into a size bigger and dress it completely as it would be on the day rather than just the dress. I'm not hopeful though. Really, really not hopeful.  Am I within my rights to put my foot down?  It is my wedding after all.  And my budget.  And there is nothing that will be everyone's style.

Bugger, bugger, bugger.

I've had a bad week - can you tell?

When Boyf and I got engaged I was determined that I wouldn’t turn into one of those Bridezilla-types and so far I think I’m doing okay.

Don’t misunderstand me, I’ve been to plenty of weddings to know what I would and wouldn’t like to have on ‘my special day’ … good god that phrase alone is enough to make a sane person want to hurl… but, I have discovered that planning a wedding is like walking through a minefield of choices.

Boyf and I often talk about what we’d like. Sorry, just realised I’m not allowed to call him Boyf anymore. The plethora of websites, magazines and wedding forums inform me that he is now to be referred to as H2B. Yes really. As in Husband-to-be. Anyone need a bucket yet? Good, then I’ll continue.
So H2B and I … nope, can’t do it. He’s Boyf and that’s how he’ll stay until he graduates to Husb.

Right, Boyf and I have discussed cakes, flowers, cars and all the usual stuff and you think you know what you’d like until you read a magazine or go to a wedding fair or log onto a brides' forum and find out that nooooooo, you can’t possibly want a beautiful simple wedding with tasteful décor and your favourite people all around you. You don’t really want a nice wedding ceremony with music that means something to you, followed by wine, food and dancing interspersed with your friends saying nice things about you both.

Apparently this is all wrong. What you really want is a wedding that people will talk about for centuries to come. A service with real passion and meaning, oh, and tears. Gotta have readings and speeches that induce tears. And vomit-inducing vows. What the hell is wrong with ‘for richer for poorer’ and all that? Okay, so I’m not so keen on the ‘obeying’ lark but I think they let you leave that out these days.

What you also really want is the releasing of doves (oh lord kill me now), chocolate fountains, photo booths (I kid you not) and colour co-ordinated EVERYTHING. Your invitations must match the reception décor, which must, in turn, match the shirts of the guys in the band. The favours should be meaningful, eco-friendly offerings made in a fair-trade commune on the Isle of Skye and delivered to you by carrier pigeon.

You will dance the first dance of your life in front of cheering friends and family, for which you will have spent a fortune receiving lessons from the camp/slutty/boisterous* one off Strictly Come Dancing (*delete as applicable depending on your budget) and whilst it seems great at the time, the wedding DVD will indicate that it was actually the most cringe worthy 3 minutes of your entire life… even if you live to be 100 years old.

But what worries me most is that all these magazines are making me believe that I should be doing all these things even though every bone in my body is screaming not to.

I’ve ordered a dress that I fell in love with the minute I saw it. It’s not your usual flowing billlowy princessy bridal dress. In fact, I don’t think I’ve been to a wedding and seen anything that similar. It’s a bit different and a bit quirky, still very weddingy but just a bit more suiting to my personality. I’ve tried on various veils as I’m not really a veil person so who knows what I'll end up with.

But 3 weeks after ordering the dress I’m being brainwashed into panicking that I’ve really screwed up quite badly. This is my chance to look like a princess, to wear something I’ll never wear like this again in my life. I’m supposed to ooze sophistication and class, and be trussed up tighter than I can possibly imagine rather than be comfortable and a bit different. I’m having a real crisis – I’m not sure if I like my dress and I’m damn sure I don’t like the jacket I’ve ordered. Why the hell did I do it? Apparently these are normal anxieties (according to the forums of mental brides I have trawled) but I didn’t sign up for normal!

And then there is my chosen scent for the day. The special scent I will remember forever to remind me of the day. What the heck?!?!? I’ve never heard of anything so bloody ridiculous. Yes ladies, according to the magazines (which are every bride’s bible over these coming months) you should have a special scent, a complete makeover, a hairstyle that will add 5 years onto your face and a groom so scared of looking scruffy he looks like he has a broom handle inserted somewhere the sun doesn’t shine.

I don’t want or have any of those things. I want to wear my usual perfume. The one I know smells good on me and not like some tart's boudoir. And our first song, well it’s just one we both really like. It may not necessarily be romantic and it certainly doesn’t appear on any ‘first dance’ list I’ve seen but it's what we want.

I don’t want to obsess about what colour napkins will match the centerpieces and I don’t want glittery curtains dangling behind the top table. So does that mean I’m not really into my wedding? Does that mean Boyf isn’t the one? What am I doing? Should I be getting married at all? If I’m not an obsessive Bridezilla then am I a proper bride ?

I guess I’d better log onto the forums and consult my bible to find out...

PS.  Will I continue to buy the mags and read the forums if they wind me up this much? 
HELL YES!!!!  did you really need to ask?